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Learning to say No

This is perhaps the most important tool you can call upon in your psychological toolset, and the earlier you learn it in life, the more impactful its strategic use will be for you.


We typically want to say yes to as much as possible. This is because humans prefer peace over confrontation, and so we are more likely to say yes in order to come to an easy agreement. It's easy to say yes (in the moment), but this potentially results in you becoming overburdened with unwanted work, social events or other activities. It's much more difficult to say no to these things - we don't want to upset our friend or colleague, but you quickly find out that what is easy in the moment makes your life more challenging in the longer term.


When we consistently say yes to others at the expense of our own needs, we signal to ourselves and the world that our time, energy and wellbeing are expendable commodities (Muris & Otgaar, 2023). In contrast, saying no is a declaration of self-worth - a recognition that our resources are finite and deserving of preservation (Holmes, 2016). It sets our boundaries and the limits of our resources plainly for others to see.


But how do you say no? Can you just say so bluntly? I've tried this in the past, and so, speaking from personal experience, this method generally comes across as rude and confrontational and doesn't always give the right impression to those who have asked. It might even negatively change their relationship with you, especially if they don't know you well.


At work, you could suggest that, while you don't have the capacity to take on any extra work right now, perhaps they should try one of your colleagues who might have more time? Or you could simply be polite and suggest that you don't have the capacity right now (whilst thanking them for the offer). In extreme situations, where the extra work might push you over the limit of what is fair and right, you could assertively suggest that you need to prioritise your own health and self care, rather than committing to any extra work.


My favourite response would be one which includes a degree of negotiation. For example, if your boss asks you to do some extra tasks which require working deep into your Friday evening, you might suggest "While I appreciate your offer, I'm unable to do these extra tasks unless I can take a half-day next Friday." Rather than being antagonistic, this is an assertive yet fair response that puts the decision back to your boss - they might then have to think what they would do in that situation.


Sometimes, being honest is the best option: "I appreciate the invitation, but I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current workload and need to prioritise my existing commitments". Your boss will often appreciate honesty, discovering you to be a fair and dependable person who knows when they've got too much on their plate.


However you say it, I've found that declining people earns a degree of respect from them - deep down, everybody wants full control over their concsience and to know when to say no. They respect you for understanding where the limit of your workload, your time or your social energy is. They respect you for having the courage to decline an offer, but also for doing so in such a way that is fair and respectful.


At work, your manager will notice that you have the ability to manage your time and workload, while fairly delegating excess work to your colleagues. Outside of work, your friends and family will note that you manage your time effectively, and are comfortable in your own decisions.


Learning this skill has applications throughout life, and once you begin to flex the muscle, you'll find it more straightforward to deploy the skill in other situations. Learn when to say no - and how to say it fairly - and you'll quickly gain control over much more of your life.





A fantastic article, which this blog was partly based on, can be found at: https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-say-no/

 
 
 

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